Can I just sleep forever? I don’t want to face anymore days.
I’m not feeling very strong tonight.
Smile even when it hurts…..smile lilly smile….this will pass too, it will….hold strong, keep the faith, hold on to hope….
I feel really numb and also my ED voice is completely dominating lately. I scheduled my future appointments today with my therapist all the way up until the day before I leave for college; I have 4 appointments left. My ED is like “HALLELUJAH! Only four more appointments of (unsuccessfully) being persuaded to recover and then college which means no one watching what I eat.” I know I shouldn’t be thinking that way but I can’t help it.
No no no no no my friend wants to go get soft serve ice cream and I’m not emotionally capable of that today. I’m not emotionally capable of anything today, really.
I’m feeling super low tonight but I’m at a friend’s house so I can’t really like self soothe or anything.
It’s pretty bad when your therapist asks what your goals are for the week and your answer is “survive.”
Tw: behaviours, suicide
I’m feeling very anxious about my therapy appointment tomorrow for a few reasons. First off, she keeps a tally of behaviours (like at each appointment she’ll ask me how many times have you ____ since we last met?” For a while my purging number was anywhere between 0 and 2. Now I have to ‘fess up to 4 times that I’ve done it in the past week. Also I have to admit to cutting twice. Secondly, I should probably tell her that my suicidal thoughts are getting worse. I really don’t want to though because I refuse to end up back in the hospital. Also I don’t really want to switch meds because my current one kills my appetite and I know I shouldn’t let my ED tell me not to switch meds since this one isn’t working but it’s hard not to. I’m so torn.
I don’t want to get out of bed.